My mom just pretty much told me I shold be grateful for the emotional abuse she gives me

"No, I don't thank you for the fish at all" (notindetroit)
10/01/2014 at 21:21 • Filed to: abuse, abusive relationships, familial abuse, abusive moms

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! where I reported on how my mom and I got into an argument that ended with my mom physically attacking me, as seen in the enclosed photos. I'm going to admit that a lot of it is my fault and I didn't do a very good job of trying to de-escalate the situation, but it boils down to how I was tired of my mom continuously dishing out emotional abuse and thinking she has every right in the world to do so. I've talked to some counselors on campus about it and even my own dad who've I've been sharing some things with about this agrees that it's best to just leave my mom alone for a while until she calms down.

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Well it's been several days (the incident was Sunday) and she shows no sign of calming down, in fact she seems even madder. Worse, she's been accusing me of acting "like a 5 year old" for trying to avoid confrontation with her (really, if you ask me she's been allowed to act like a 5 year old most of her adult life) and she insists that I call her "fucking bitch" instead of mom - and not only did she mock me for trying to tell her that she's been emotionally abusive, but she pretty much flat out told me that I should be thankful for the abuse she's given me, as if somehow this is preferable to being in the "real world" and that I have no idea what the "real world" is like and that putting up with this abuse from her is the reason why I act like a spoiled brat.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the last straw. This is no longer a situation I can live in, and I think it's seriously time to consider legal action including restraining orders and possibly even law suits or even see if I can file criminal charges. But in terms of practical options I don't have much - if I want to continue to have a roof over my head, it's pretty much put up with this and just hope my mom doesn't get so mad she outright throws me out (I've explored options like shelters but apparently those options are few and pretty miserable). But, I don't know - maybe someone here on Oppo can help me out.

DISCUSSION (28)

E92M3 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:30

Man I'm sorry to hear that. As someone whos mom is an alcoholic I can understand somewhat. She was never physically abusive, but I just couldn't deal with it every night and got out as fast as I could. I had to literally hide from her after 6pm. Once the drinking started she became an emotional wreck. I couldn't say anything about anything without setting her off. I was able to rent an apartment with 2 other friends. Rent and utilities was only $400 a month by the time it was split 3 ways. Best money I ever spent. Is there anyone you can move in with to get away from her?

Haimatox > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:31

Dude that sucks. I presume you're not anywhere near upstate New York?

Bad Idea Hat > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:36

Fuck man.

It's time to get out, though. It's not just physical health that requires it, either. Where are you? My apartmentguide-fu is probably still pretty strong, if you need help.

Bandit > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:42

That sucks so much man. Wish there was some way I could help.

My mother was like that - all be it at a lesser state of escalation - and it helped me regain my sanity when I moved out of the house to college.

jkm7680 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:46

I'm really sorry to hear what you are current going through, I'd hate to have a family member arrested but it comes to a point where legal action is probably helping both of you in it's own way. If you'd like to stay, try and avoid her and stay out of her way, Either way I'd explore all your options because from the sounds of things she might be a bit unpredictable.

Do you think that it would be best if she talked with a counselor or consultant of some type?

If pursuing legal action isn't your cup of tea, I'd suggest that you move out and move far away. It's best to put these kind of things as far behind you as possible. It sounds tough, real tough and I'm just sorry that you have to go through all of this.

If you ever want to talk, I can leave an email address.

tromoly > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:50

Record everything. Have evidence of it.

Kanaric > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:56

My mom when she was on monopause and I was in high school turned into an insane crazy bitch and I had to leave the house. She was normal before and after. Sounds like your mom is like this 24/7 which must be a horrible condition to live under.

Leave. Just find someone to move in with. I wouldn't do legal action or anything you might regret it in the future. Are you under 18? If so you probably should then.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:56

I'm sorry to hear that. I've had so many "last straws" with my mom for a long time. She started being abusive in 5th grade (albeit being much shorter unprovoked outbursts) and it never really stopped due to whatever issues she may have. I've never really shared that, but I think you've been through a lot of the stuff I have. I hate to point fingers, but I think that (along with some other factors) has turned me into someone completely lacking ambition or social skills, making it impossible to move out because living with my ill-tempered father full time would be pretty bad because I am failing school thanks in large part to being depressed

Kinja'd!!!

as hell the past couple of years and that makes him angry to no end (he doesn't know about any of this shit, really). Anyways, I only posted that to let you know that you're not alone in what you're dealing with and if you ever want someone to talk about this stuff with I would gladly. Don't get me wrong, they are nice a good bit of the time but when they aren't, it's bad. Best of luck with distancing yourself from that stuff.

cluelessk > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 21:56

This sounds like issues a preteen has.

You're not a kid so why do you feel like you have nowhere to go? I'm 22 and live at home while going to school. I pretty much have to put up with my parents shit because they're helping me out.

You're Mom and Dad don't owe you anything at all.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 22:13

It sounds like your Mom needs help, and sometimes it takes doing things that you don't want to do(like pressing charges or at the very least calling the cops) to get someone the help that they need. Document everything she does and the second she lays a hand on you, call the cops. I'm pretty sure there is a way as the person who presses charges to request a plea deal in exchange for counseling or mental help.

Kat Callahan > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 22:16

If you can get to Japan, I have a spare bedroom. It... has some pillows and a floor.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > tromoly
10/01/2014 at 23:31

Exactly what I told him on monday when we hung out. Also, I told him that even if the cops dont/cant do anything, just to file a report to have a record of the incident.

Zibodiz > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/01/2014 at 23:40

Dude, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I wish I had some way to help — I actually live about 4 hours away from you — but my own life is insanity right now, as well. Just know that I'm pullin' for ya. Keep your stick on the ice.

katesgirl > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 00:39

I wish I could help! I know where you're coming from- it's a running joke for me that my mom is a "Siberian tiger" mom (as we're 100% German ancestry, not Asian). She constantly put me down and treated me like a child when I lived at home for nine months between college and law school, and was always watching and criticizing if I did the "wrong" thing. (For instance, once, I spent hours baking banana bread and cookies to share with her, and then after I'm finally done and have cleaned all the dishes, she starts screaming about literally 3 crumbs left on the counter, and when I was at home, she gave me one of their cars to use as my own- but, of course, hell would come raining down on me if I went anywhere with it but work or the gym. And I was 21/22!)

I am also considering legal action against my mom as well at the moment. Not to threadjack, but she's repeatedly refused, for almost a year, to give me my birth certificate, passport, and assorted other vital docs. So, I only have my driver's license, and can't leave the country, try to get some jobs, or etc. And I'm 24 and married! I even went to her house when she was gone once, to try and take the things back, but she must have already realized I might try that and moved them, because I tore that drawer apart, and nothing- and her passport and my brother's were still in there. I really don't want to go that route, but I need to register for the bar soon and would probably need them by that point, so I have been looking into getting a court order forcing her to turn them over.

Theral > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 00:53

It may not be the best course of action but personally I'd probably invest in some sort of covert recording method. Be it with one of the apps that will let you have your phone camera recording and still look off, or a camera in my room. And then if I did get thrown out I'd call the police, press charges(For the attack. With the video), and post it anywhere and everywhere online that I could.

Parents shouldn't assault their children. And your dad doesn't sound too much better than the mom, by enabling the bullshit.

Theral > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 00:53

Parents shouldn't assault their children. And your dad doesn't sound too much better than the mom, by enabling the bullshit.

jgsinfw > katesgirl
10/02/2014 at 01:29

You can get your birth certificate from the State Health Department in every state that I know of. They will have a website, probably with a contact #, and the person there should be able to get you all set up with the correct forms and such. Afterwards, you can apply for a replacement passport at the Post Office - they will ask what happened - tell the truth, that your mother had it and lost it while you were in college, and you cannot go search the house. Then you will be free of her control of these last few documents - same if you need a copy of your Social Security card, too. Good luck.

Fuck Kinja > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 03:11

i just read the three posts that are "related"—and i'll start with the sexual drive.

not weird at all to be sexually attracted and aware at 5. not weird, and you're probably creating a lot of problems for yourself by suppressing and oppressing yourself. i know lots of people who were having sex by 8 (Deaf kids at state schools have a lot more opportunities, and not all of these would apply to the adult mind as rape), so there you go!

i dunno, i've read some replies, and some people have weird limits—calling your mom a whore wasn't the most beautiful thing in the world, but i don't think it was "way too much" since she has a habit of goading you into explosions like she and ?your father? do. you say he's abusive but i don't know what he does. so. can't get into that. other people seem very permissive and completely supportive of you.

you're in your 30s, then...you're a cancer survivor...you're trying to finish grad school. i would say your best option is to MOVE THE FUCK OUT and find some good therapy. there is definitely at least one agency where you live, or even try your college's counseling services, that offers sliding-scale fees or free services to those who are impoverished. not all therapists are created equal. if you find one who makes you feel uncomfortable just learn how to communicate and figure out whether it's a bad therapist you've got or one who pushes you in a way you really need and just don't know how to handle yet. you are supposed to disagree with your therapist when you really feel the need to. you are supposed to learn how to actually have conversations and discuss your viewpoint and the therapist's. if a therapist can't teach you that, or refuses to be challenged at all—you do need to understand when your therapist is right and when an opinion is an opinion, or when your therapist doesn't have the right information to understand you yet...versus a shit therapist, a wet towel or oppressive or abusive. there are abusive therapists out there.

you're not going to get out of that situation without hurting someone if you stay too long, if the right button gets pushed at a time when you're incredibly stressed out, frustrated, depressed, and whatever level of angry. it sounds like your mother wants you to turn into the type of person she is. i'm very sure you already understand all this, you just don't want to step outside your comfort zone and find yourself struggling to find a place to live. there aren't just ways around that, it's actually a reality for many adults—the struggle—and that struggle will strengthen you.

uh, options are student loans that will help you afford a place. that's something you're crazy not to consider. many of my friends used their student loans to fund their lives while attending college. uh, housing programs. some take forever, some can get you in almost immediately. some cities have agencies that work closely together to help provide counseling and housing assistance, food stamps, etc. i'd guess you might need to work, and i know school is stressful and that this takes up a lot of your time, but instead of bullshiting to TV and waiting for the shit to hit the fan...i'd say it's much less stressful to work a crap job, come home, sleep, and do your schoolwork.

i think you know all this but are too depressed/nervous to make a decision, so your first decision probably needs to be therapy. some cities will get you free medication, too, and that's not a bad thing. most meds don't really alter who you are, they do not change you or make you less interesting. you're not going to need antipsychotics...so don't worry about losing any of the quirks that make you you.

trust me, you need a support system, and you need to get out. i just don't see you surviving without a group of professionals helping you out. if you think you'd feel ashamed taking advantage of all these services temporarily, look at it this way: won't you find yourself looking back in 10 years and thinking, "whoa, thank GOD for all these things i did for myself so i can now actually support myself, save for the future, and feel great about life"? you can pay it forward as a teacher, or you can pay it forward via donations or volunteer work once you've got your life funded on your own.

THAT WILL IN TURN HELP YOUR DATING LIFE. you don't want to turn into your parents. the longer you suffer there the more likely you are to end up abusing a partner, so you need to be proactive about finding an agency in town, or ask someone here for further information. i think you really should start dating; you're gonna be too MRA if you don't ;} you're not an asshole or a creep for the things you think are weird, and a good therapist will help you feel really normal while calling you out on your bullshit, then helping you formulate plans.

having your own place is gonna help a lot with women, so you should start thinking about dating too. i don't know how you'll meet women—there are lots of ways to do that—but your relationship with that alcoholic...it was an extension of your abuse, really. you related to her abuse, you really did. you're kind of mean, telling all her very private, sad secrets, but we don't know her anyway =] but it's clear that you felt a real solidarity and your desire to help and nurture this woman, your feelings of love and caring...can you not see that that's what you wanted for yourself because of all the abuse you carry around as part of your current experience? clearly, if she was always drunk and you didn't really like that about her, but you stuck it out for a while, and apparently never had sex with her (which is a wonderful trait you've got, then, not wanting to pile any more hurt onto her)...you were with her because she mirrored your pain and your nurturing was what you needed for yourself, and were able to give yourself by giving her.

i would say not to give up on dating, but not to be hard on yourself for not having a lot of experience; that's a very dangerous thing for men, it seems—unrealistic expectations of themselves and women cause a lot of violence, and you never know what your tipping point is. definitely don't be hard on yourself; we all have very different sexual experiences for various reasons, and you have no reason to think you won't find someone you love who loves you eventually...or a few fun playthings before then. your lack of dating experience—you're not the oldest child, so you probably have had even more hurdles to jump where your parents' abuse is concerned. don't worry about that.

honestly, i think you're going to be just fine IF you face the fact that you have to take responsibility for yourself. no one here (from what i've read) is encouraging you to do that, and that is miserable. you're about 30, 40...it will be so, so, so liberating for you to take steps toward independence, and if you start with therapy so that you're not too fragile to bounce back if you find yourself suddenly homeless, at the most extreme, you'll have all the support you need to do things like that.

you're allowing yourself to take all the abuse now that your brother's shut himself off from it. you really need to recognize that you're a little distorted and that you need to work on returning to your healthy self. it sounds like the longer you suffer the worse you yourself react, and you don't want to end up being hauled off to jail just because one day you lose it—or allow yourself to atrophy any further.

best of luck to you! people are fantastic, friends are lovely, online support and pals are really cool and a real blessing (ew, atheist here, ew ew ew)...but the only person who can give you the tools and be your backbone, who can model healthy communications and help you keep it together in order to be sane around your friends and girlfriends is a therapist.

Fuck Kinja > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 03:19

oh, and...if your college has dorms...that would be something to look into. student loan, dorm life. it would actually be fun, and offer you a transition period with much less stress. maybe you can apply for a loan for the spring.

if you want to look at the loan as prohibitive, go ahead. i know it's a nightmare to pay off student loans. but...would you get further in life by taking control even if it's with a student loan? yes. is that worth the interest on the loan? fuck, yes.

gazorpazorpfield > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 04:07

Time to move out, baby boy.

Ohoyo Tohbi > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 05:47

EVERYONE INVOLVED - NOT OK ON ANY TERMS. And this is coming from a now 33 yr old woman who as a 13-14 yr old girl had her mother physically assault her with fists AND a plastic video rental cartridge to my head/face, not to mention the verbal/emotional abuse. So what'd I do? I did the only thing I knew - called the cops and they heard some of it on the line. They show up and cart her away to an psych institution for 3 days to cool off while I try to calm down and somehow try to make a mature decision about where I need to be living/attending school now and what actually were my options and possibilities. So, yeah. FIND A NEW PLACE and move the fuck on! The stress is NOT worth it. Good luck.

Ohoyo Tohbi > katesgirl
10/02/2014 at 05:58

"my birth certificate, passport, and assorted other vital docs"

If you are in the US, you can get another Original of most, if not all, of these things. Just because you don't have the Initial one, doesn't mean you cannot purchase another Original one for example from your birth state. Also, if for some reason you cannot go that route, you are legally an adult and can have the sheriff or other local law enforcement accompany you to her house to obtain the documents that are legally YOURS. You cannot be kept from your own property.

Nibby > Kat Callahan
10/02/2014 at 08:48

brb moving to Japan

Nibby > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 08:50

Man, if I lived closer to Detroit, I'd be of more use to you. Sorry!

CloggieGirl > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 08:59

You DO have legal recourse to protect yourself!

They have "limited orders of protection*" that are intended for cases where there is some necessity for the two parties to be near each other. I saw it used most frequently in Family Court for cases that involved kids who were violent or threatening towards their parents. The judge can have some discretion on what to put on the order. My experience is with NY but this website from the CO bar Association can get you pointed in the right direction: http://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/0…

*Despite popular usage to the contrary, 'restraining orders' are for civil cases in NY and federal courts. That said, court clerks etc will know what you mean.

Best of luck.

IwishIhadaclevername > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 10:44

If you were to move in with someone/ Crash at someones place it may end up making your mother "want you back" per say.... Although I do not know her or how she works many people end up missing the person they abuse, but on the other side she may just hold a grudge against you for moving. I do think it's in your best interest to get out because long term emotional abuse leads to some pretty long term effects :/ As you get older you start to realize who matters most in life and if your mom continues to behave this way, blood related or not... she shouldn't be a part of your life. If someone who was not your family treated you this way would you continue to stay? Just be safe.

ACESandEIGHTS > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all
10/02/2014 at 11:59

Wow, such a long thread. But here's some quick scenarios:

1) Have you graduated high school? No? Stay in it, stay in your home, wait it out until graduation and then try to get some stability going before you move out.

2) Are you going to college (excluding junior college)? Yes? Every college has housing, even Metro. Even the fringe stuff: UCD's Aurora campus has it. There are tons of cheap apartments and rooms near CCA, CCD, ACC too. Move into a dorm or cheap apartment. Fewer school hours and more work hours if needed. GET ROOMMATES.

3) Got a job, no plans for school, just need to get out? Here's the best advice I can give you: GTFO of Aurora. It's Nowheresville, dude. I wouldn't be saying this if I hadn't lived there.

Don't make the mistake of equating Aurora with Denver. It's not the same thing.

Move to Denver, a cool part of Denver. Cap Hill, Congress Park, any decent part of Colfax, near South Broadway, Downtown, Lower Downtown, Highlands, DU, wherever. Missing Pho/Korean BBQ/bowling alleys? Go visit Aurora for a minute, if needed. But Denver's got Kokoro and Lucky Strike at the Pavilions, and a whole boatload of other stuff to discover, including a metric shit ton of bars and clubs, restaurants and parks, cool neighborhoods, people, women, etc. Don't go small. Don't settle for Glendale or DTC or anywhere, go move to the dirty D.

MMRinKC > katesgirl
10/02/2014 at 13:51

1. go to your nearest Dept. of Vital Stats in the city in which you were born and get a copy of your birth certificate. 2. Then go to your nearest Social Security office and get a copy of your Social Securty card. 3. Then use both those to get another passport. check "lost" when you get to the question of what happened to your passport you are trying to replace. Now you are good to go.